


or am i losing my mind?

by scarlettroses



Category: Newsies - All Media Types, Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Era, First Kiss, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pining, Someone help the poor boy, Song fic, jack is in Love and very Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-14
Updated: 2017-09-14
Packaged: 2018-12-29 17:39:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12090048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarlettroses/pseuds/scarlettroses
Summary: In short, Jack Kelly falls head over heels for Davey Jacobs without even realizing it. He soon learns that being in love is a lot more painful than it looks.A song fic written to Sondheim's 'Losing My Mind,' specifically Jeremy Jordan's cover.





	or am i losing my mind?

**Author's Note:**

> soooooooo... angst and pining?? in my fic?? it's more likely than you think. 
> 
> we all know jack is an angsty lil boy who has a big heart, deep down. this is a short exploration of him falling in love within a society that calls it wrong. 
> 
> tw: homophobic language; VERY brief suicidal thought

_The sun comes up, I think about you._

Jack wakes up alone on the rooftop. It's peaceful, the city isn't even awake yet. The noisy streets are empty, the sun is only peeking over the horizon. It's nice to take a few minutes just to look.

He's alone because Crutchie was having a bad night with his leg, so bad that he couldn't even get up the ladder. Jack had tried to stay inside with him, not wanting to go to the penthouse without him, but Crutchie just knows. He knows Jack finds it hard to sleep inside with everyone- he can't shut his brain off with the sound of other people tossing and turning and snoring all around him. He knows that Jack needs the privacy of the rooftop to calm himself after long days of watching over the newsies.

As Jack drinks in the sunrise, he finds his mind wandering to the thought of Davey. It happens a lot lately- he likes to wonder what Davey might be doing, or wonder what they'd do if they were together. Sometimes he imagines what it might be like if Davey lived in the Lodging House with them. Others, he just looks out in the direction of the tiny tenement where the Jacobs family lives and wonders what they're up to.

What are mornings like in the Jacobs house? Hectic, most likely, with three kids and one more on the way. Their mother probably cooks them breakfast, maybe Sarah helps her. Jack knows Davey couldn't possibly be any help, judging by the time he'd insisted on helping Race in the kitchen of the Lodging House and immediately nearly burnt the place down. Davey probably helps his father get up, as his injured leg isn't quite healed yet, and makes sure Les is ready for the day. They all probably eat together, and although Jack burns a little with jealously at the idea of a family, he finds himself just being more glad that Davey has it so nice, happy for him rather than angry. Maybe the Jacobs are just as poor in money as the newsies, but they're rich in love and it just makes Jack more happy to see than anything.

Davey probably has some nice mornings and Jack likes that a lot. Davey deserves everything nice.

-

_The coffee cup, I think about you._

Breakfast outside the church, on the way to work. Coffee and a stale biscuit, as per usual.

As Jack drinks his coffee, he ignores the conversations going on around him. The guys are just so _loud_ sometimes, and Jack doesn't always want to deal with that, especially in the mornings. That's why he likes hanging around with Davey.

Dave has no problem with sitting quietly together, just enjoying the company. He'll even sit still and quiet while Jack draws him, never complaining. Jack likes to think that's why he knows every curve and angle of Davey's face, the sheer amount that he sketches him, but truthfully, sometimes he doesn't even draw when Davey models. Dave's just a nice person to sit and admire what he's like, how he goes gently about things and how he smiles without realizing it when he's relaxed.

Perhaps Jack is just a bit infatuated.

-

_I want you so, it's like I'm losing my mind._

Jack starts to realize he might be feeling something for Davey when he sees Spot and Race sneak off together one evening.

Maybe it's not right for two boys to be in love, but if Spot and Race can do it, why not anyone else? Of course, Spot Conlon does whatever he wants, society's expectations be damned. If he wants to sneak away and kiss Racetrack Higgins, he's just going to do it.

This gets the idea of kissing Davey into Jack's head. He's working on the shading of a sketch, and he catches himself putting an extra load of detail into getting the lips just right. Maybe it's just an excuse to stare at the way Davey's mouth sits in a slight smile as he reads, but that doesn't matter. It's all for the sake of art.

Maybe later that night, Jack imagines what it might be like to sneak away with Davey, just the way that Spot and Race do.

Maybe he's just going crazy.

-

_The morning ends, I think about you._

The next day, Jack has just sold his last copy of the morning edition. Davey definitely doesn't need help selling anymore, but it's just more fun to work together, so he's waiting around until the last few papers get sold from Davey's bag.

Jack can't get last night's thoughts out of his head. He _knows_ it's wrong, but he just can't stop himself. He's not dating Kath anymore, as she'd decided her career was far more important than a relationship. That's entirely understandable to Jack, so he'd accepted the breakup and remained her good friend.

Maybe if he were still dating Katherine, he wouldn't be having a mental breakdown at the thought of Davey walking up, holding his cheeks and gently brushing their lips together.

-

_I talk to friends and think about you. And do they know it's like I'm losing my mind?_

"So, I'se seen you sending heart-eyes at the Mouth lately. There something you're not tellin' me, Kelly?"

Jack freezes. He's standing at his bunk, folding and putting away his one spare change of clothes after laundry night. There's no one around- or rather, there _hadn't been_ anyone around- as a particularly rambunctious card game had caught everyone's attention downstairs.

Spot Conlon, however, seems to have noticed Jack slipping away from the game.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Spot," says Jack, without even turning around. He shoves his clothes under his pillow rather aggressively and turns to face the Brooklyn leader, who happens to spend a lot of time in Manhattan lately. "I ain't sending no heart-eyes at no one. 'Specially not at a fella. What do you think I am, Conlon?"

Spot crosses his arms and leans against the doorway, cocking his head to the side.

"I'd be careful what your next word is, Kelly. I don't think I need to tell ya why I'm around your turf so much."

Jack pauses, the meaning of Spot's words sinking in.

"So you and Racer really is..." Jack trails off when Spot nods curtly.

"And if you got somethin' to _say_ about it," starts Spot, cracking his knuckles against his hip. He doesn't finish his sentence, but Jack gets the meaning loud and clear- not that he'd planned on saying anything anyways.

Jack swallows, suddenly nervous. It feels dirty, talking about boys loving boys. It doesn't seem right.

"It's good, Spot," he says, finding it hard to even make eye contact. "I'm happy for youse. Race deserves someone who can- y'know- be good to him, and all that. He's been through a lot, that fella."

Spot just nods. They both know Race's story, and they both know not to talk about it. Spot walks into the room and sits himself on Jack's bed, crossing one leg over the other.

Again, he's Spot Conlon. He does what he wants.

"So... you and Mouth?" he asks, somehow seeming casual and nonchalant, like they're discussing morning headlines.

Jack's gaze darts to the open door. If he were to tell Spot, and someone were to walk in, he could lose everything. As if anyone would tolerate a _fairy_ for a leader! The boys would revolt!

However, Jack doesn't even really care. He might go crazy if he doesn't get this off his chest. He sits down next to Spot.

"Sometimes I wonder," he whispers, staring at the floor in front of him, voice shaking, "what that mouth of his might kiss like."

That's all he needs to say. He feels Spot's hand on his shoulder and just nods. They don't need to talk about it. It's nice to have someone who understands.

-

_All afternoon, doing every little chore, the thought of you stays bright._

Jack's having a rough day selling. He's tired, his feet hurt, the headline stinks. Davey and Les had gone home for lunch instead of eating with the fellas and have yet to return to the corner where they sell. They have a new sibling on the way, and apparently it could be any day now. They try to spend as much time with their parents as possible, should either of them need help with anything, given their father's injury and their mother's pregnancy.

It's not that Jack isn't glad to see them spending time at home- it's hard work being a newsie and most guys that have parents hardly ever see them- but it does get a bit lonely without Dave and Les around.

The idea of kissing Davey hasn't gone away. In fact, Jack thinks of it often, whenever he has a spare moment. When he watches young couples walk down the street together, he pictures himself taking Davey's hand and holding tight as they wander around hawking papers. He imagines them up in the penthouse together at night, just lying close together, kissing and cuddling.

Of course, that would never be possible. Jack's probably just going crazy. However, he doesn't mind letting the shameful thoughts brighten his bad days just a little.

-

_Sometimes I stand in the middle of the floor, not going left, not going right._

Jack Kelly is in love.

The realization had been creeping up on him ever since his chat with Spot, but when he finally feels it, it hits him like a train.

He's just said goodbye to Davey for the night and he makes it about five feet before he stops short on the empty sidewalk. He's caught himself with a huge, embarrassing smile on his face, still giggling over what Davey had said. He's _blushing_ , for God's sake! All because, as Jack has come to find out, Davey is much more cheeky than anyone would ever expect, once he's comfortable with someone.

Jack doesn't even remember how the conversation had gone, what exactly was even said. He may have been a bit too busy watching the way Davey's mouth quirked into a charming smirk, the way his eyes lit up and his eyebrows wiggled when he made crude jokes that Jack never would've foreseen from good little Davey Jacobs.

So, Jack has to stop and compose himself for a minute. He's giggling like a little girl, and he finally understands what people mean when they say their heart flutters when they're in love. He shakes his head, still smiling, and crosses his arms over his chest as he takes a deep breath. He's never felt this way about anyone, not even Katherine, who he'd been so sure he was in love with.

Davey Jacobs really is something else. It's hard for Jack to comprehend why all of Manhattan isn't head over heels for him.

-

_I dim the lights and think about you, spend sleepless nights to think about you._

Jack can't sleep.

It's quiet in the city, something that only happens at the strangest times of night. No carriages or automobiles rattling past, no people on the streets chatting away. He's up in the penthouse, and the only noise around him is Crutchie's quiet snoring.

Is the moon a little brighter at this time of night? A little bigger? Are emotions a little stronger?

Jack's not too sure, but those all feel true tonight. The longer he lies here, the more ripped apart he begins to feel. It feels as if his soul is being torn in two.

His heart wants to tell Davey everything- his late-night dreams of kisses and hugs, the love he feels with no regard for what's right and what's wrong.

His head, however, knows he can't. Davey would be disgusted. He'd push Jack away forever and things would be worse than they are now. Fellas can't like fellas, now, can they? Sure, it's horrible to ache with longing every time Davey so much as touches his hand, but Jack would take that over the stabbing pain of rejection any day.

He'd rather dream of the _maybe_ than have every possibility ripped away.

 _Maybe_ Davey loves him too.

 _Maybe_ they could be something.

 _Maybe_ Jack's just completely out of his mind.

-

_You said you loved me... or were you just being kind? Or am I losing my mind?_

"Don't ever say no one loves ya', Jackie." Davey sounds so sincere, like he might start crying. "You got all the fellas; you got Miss Medda; you got Kath; and, hey, I love you, if that counts for anything. You're real important to me, y'know? I'd miss you if you left."

Jack really hopes Davey doesn't notice the way his breath catches in his throat.

_"I love you, if that counts for anything."_

He knows that Davey doesn't mean it in the way he's been dreaming about. He's a friend. He loves Jack like a good friend. A best friend. Not... whatever it is that Jack wants.

Jack's finally brought Davey to the penthouse. They haven't seen much of each other lately- Mrs. Jacobs had given birth not long ago and Davey's entirely preoccupied with helping out with his new baby brother whenever he's not at work. That's fair, of course, but Jack will admit that he's been missing him like mad.

Jack's not sure if coming up here was a good or bad idea, because the way the stars sparkle in Davey's eyes makes his heart ache with yearning for the impossible. When Davey had stared up at the moon in awe as the sky got dark, Jack nearly had to go take a breather. Love's not supposed to _hurt_ like this, is it?

They'd somehow made it to the topic of Santa Fe. Jack had confessed that he'd been contemplating it again, just packing up and running away. He can't exactly say _why_ , because the reason is sitting right next to him, marvelling at the sky. Jack's starting to think it might just be easier to leave and not subject himself to the torture of being around Davey every day and never being able to say how he truly feels. It shouldn't be this hard, loving someone.

_"You're real important to me, y'know?"_

Jack takes a deep breath and musters every force inside himself to try not to cry. The lump of emotion in his throat is bordering on painful and his eyes are starting to burn.

Fuck it.

He drops his head into his hands with a sob that he's been holding back for what's got to be _months_ now. Davey gasps and immediately wraps Jack up in a hug, which only serves to make everything worse.

"Jack..." he whispers, sounding somewhat terrified. "I didn't mean to upset ya'. I just wanted you to know how much everyone here loves you, we'd all-"

His words are cut off when Jack shoves him away rather harshly.

" _Stop_." Jack's properly crying now, shaking with sobs. Davey pulls his hands away slowly, like he's not sure what's just happened, doesn't know how to react. "Don't touch me!"

Jack stands up from his mattress where they'd been sitting and stumbles over to the railing, leaning to look over the street. He can't catch his breath, everything hurts. He wants to scream, he wants to break something, he wants to throw himself over the fucking edge!

Why couldn't he just be normal? Why couldn't he just like a _girl_ like everyone else? Why does he have to melt every time Davey touches him? Why has a quick, throwaway _I love you_ just made it feel like all the stars have aligned? Why does being in love have to hurt like this?

"Jackie..." tries Davey again, standing up slowly, like Jack might attack if he makes any sudden moves. "Is it something I said? I'm sorry. I _do_ love you Jack. We all do. I can't even imagine what I'd do if you left."

Jack tries to steady his breathing but finds himself unable to calm down, letting his tears fall all the way down to the sidewalk.

"You don't love me, Dave," he says, voice strained and broken. He doesn't even turn around to see how Davey might react. "You never will- not the way I love you. That's what hurts the most. You can say you love me, but you're just being nice! You don't mean it. You don't understand. I like you more than that… more than a friend."

Jack shakes his head and falls apart into another sob, leaning his whole body onto the railing because he's not sure he can even hold himself up anymore. He doesn't want to talk. He doesn't want to think, he doesn't want to feel. It's like he want a way to just switch off his emotions, feel nothing for a while, because lately all he knows how to feel is broken-hearted.

He's so fucked up, isn't he? Jack wouldn't even bother fighting back if Davey tried to soak him now. He deserves it. When he hears Davey approaching behind him, he's expecting a harsh shove or to be turned around roughly and punched in the jaw. How else could he expect a fella to react to that kind of confession? This type of thing just ain't right- right?

That's why it's safe to say that Jack had not anticipated the way Davey just touches his back with feather-light fingertips as he joins him at the railing.

"Jack…" starts Davey, trailing off like he doesn't know what to say. "I'm going to do something crazy," he whispers. "And if this isn't what you want, if I read the situation wrong, just promise me we can forget this ever happened." He pauses, steeling his nerves. "I'm just going to…"

Jack is surprised by Davey grabbing his cheeks in his warm, soft hands, despite the tears still rolling down. Davey pauses, eyes scanning Jack's face, and swallows heavily, like he's swallowing every bit of doubt and fear. He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and just does it.

He presses their lips together and it's like _fireworks_.

It's just how Jack had imagined- their lips touch and he comes to life. The kiss is gentle, it doesn't last long, but it's _magical_. They pull away after a few seconds and lean their foreheads together, breathing hard, neither of them saying a word.

There's nothing more to be said.

Maybe Jack isn't as crazy as he'd thought.

**Author's Note:**

> please visit me on tumblr!!!  
> thefactsofthematter


End file.
